It is often said that Apathists don’t care enough about religion to build a church. Well here it is. For those who believe that it is important to treat religion with apathy, I have built this church.
Kristi Rhimes in Oklahoma, who claims to be married to Jesus Christ, was stood up last Friday after having food and drinks at the El Chico restaurant in Lawton. She claimed her husband, Jesus Christ a famous religious leader, would be along to pay the bill. When Jesus failed to show up (as usual), and Kristi had no other method of paying the bill, she was arrested for fraud. Strangely enough the next day in Louisville, Kentucky, just 800 miles away, a man claiming to be Jesus Christ was arrested for assaulting a woman in her eighties. The old woman was dragging herself across the street on her hands and knees, when Jesus, also named Calvotte Brooks, clearly saw she was the devil in disguise and threw a glass plate at her head. With her right cheek bleeding and bruised, she was visibly shaken and unable to give her name to the police. The police, failing to recognise that this was in fact Satan in disguise, arrested Calvotte and charged him with assault. In court on Monday, during a heated exchange with the Judge, Calvotte revealed that he is in fact head of Homeland Security. In light of this the judge upgraded the charge to attempted murder and set bail at half a million dollars. Both Jesus (Calvotte) and his wife (Kristi) remain in custody.
A group of people in Iran got themselves arrested after making a video to the tune of Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” and posting it on YouTube. It became a hit, bringing it to the attention of the morality police. The Iranian police chief said that the vulgar clip, showing three unveiled women, had hurt public chastity. Yesterday a political commentator, Kambiz Hosseini, tweeted about it, boosting a #FreeHappyIranians hashtag campaign to demand their freedom. Around 13 people are believed to have been arrested in connection with the video. It is believed that the participants in the video were released this morning, but the director is still being held.
The Russian Orthodox Church has condemned the Eurovision winner, drag queen Conchita Wurst. This led to Rustem Adagamov, a prominent Russian blogger, tweeting “The ROC categorically opposes bearded men in dresses!” along with a picture of their priests in full ceremonial robes. I just thought, I’d help it go viral. Thanks Bill.
You can’t get to a church right now? Well we have answered your prayers. Our Church of Apathy App is a virtual church for your iPhone, iPad, or Android smartphone. From naming ceremonies for your baby to funerals for departed friends, the Church of Apathy App has a full range of services for those times when you can’t make it to a real church (or don’t want to).
The Church of Apathy app is ideal for those times when you can’t attend a ceremony in a real church. If you don’t want to spend a dollar on the full App, download the free version and confess your sins or see what you are missing on YouTube.
- Naming Ceremony – Name your children and welcome them into the church.
- Confession – Don’t bear the guilt longer than necessary. Find a quiet spot and make that confession straight away.
- Service – Can’t make it to church for a mass or service? Attend a short service at the Church of Apathy instead.
- Partnership – Want to take your relationship to the next level, but are not quite ready for the whole legal aspect? We have the answer.
- Funeral – You can’t make it to the real funeral? No problem. Hold your own remembrance with our funeral service.
I was beginning to think Jesus had given up appearing on foodstuffs, but low and behold on Good Friday, He appeared on a pancake in the Cowgirl Cafe, in Norco. So why a pancake? And why on Good Friday, traditionally a day of fasting? Is it a sign? The owner of the cafe, Karen Hendrickson, said she felt it was a sign for her, after praying the night before for God to continue watching over the Cowgirl Cafe. Well He did the job. After Karen photographed the pancake, posted it on Facebook and contacted a local TV station, sales jumped and new customers were anxious to see photos of the “Jesus pancake”. The actual pancake has been put in the freezer for safe keeping. Some people on Facebook thinks it looks more like Charles Manson and a customer of the Cafe said it looks more like Abraham Lincoln. Well, seeing as nobody really knows what Jesus looked like, it’s all a bit mad, but sales in the cafe have picked up and people are smiling.
Oh no! It’s a blood moon, the first of four in 18 months. We’re all gonna die. Yes, last night the moon slid into the shadow of the earth casting a reddish hue on the moon. Unusually, there will be four of these occurrences in the next 18 months. Astronomers call it a tetrad, doomsayers call it a sign signalling the imminent destruction of the earth. We haven’t had too many doomsday predictions lately. The ISON comet predicted by many to bring forth our destruction, spectacularly failed after its million year journey ended on Thanksgiving day last year, when it simply disintegrated after getting too close to the sun. The Viking prediction of Ragnarok (Armageddon) also failed to materialise on February 22nd. The new movie Thor 3: Ragnarok (End of Days) still hasn’t been released, so I guess the director was not too anxious about the date being accurate. Religious people, quick to capitalise on the series of Blood Moons, have released a number of books explaining the significance as they perceive it: “Blood Moons: Decoding the Imminent Heavenly Signs”, by mark Biltz; “Blood Moons Rising: Bible Prophecy, Israel, and the Four Blood Moons”, by pastor Mark Hitchcock; and “Four Blood Moons: Something is about to change” by pastor John Hagee. The last book is number 80 on USA Today’s best seller list! Good grief people, save yourself some time and money. Here is my prophecy for the Blood Moons and the next 18 months. Everything will be pretty normal. There will be no rapture, Armageddon or End of Days. The bible says “The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the Lord.”, Joel 2:31. In my opinion a more reliable and accurate predictor of future events, NASA, issued a statement saying there will be eight sets of tetrads before the year 2100. Expect a lot more doomsday predictions over the next hundred years. Unless they are right of course.
A statue of Jesus the Homeless was installed recently at Saint Albion’s Episcopal Church in North Carolina, depicting Jesus as a homeless vagrant sleeping on a park bench. One of the first people to see it as she drove past called the police, thinking it was a real person. The features of the statue are shrouded, expect for the feet which show the marks made by the crucifixion. The creator of the piece, Canadian sculptor Timothy Schmalz, offered first casts to cathedrals in Toronto (St. Michael’s) and New York (St. Patrick’s), but both declined. The University of Toronto has one installed outside the Jesuit School of Theology. Last November Schmalz presented a miniature version to Pope Francis in Rome, who touched the knee of the sculpture, closed his eyes and prayed. If the City of Rome approve the installation, one will be placed on the Via della Conziliazione, leading to St. Peter’s Basilica. If you suddenly find someone sleeping on a bench outside your church, for the love of Jesus, don’t go calling the cops.
In response to people having problems with the rising cost of gas (petrol to you Europeans), the Journey Church is sponsoring a 50c per gallon reduction for 2 hours this Saturday, April 12th. So if you are in the neighbourhood of Boca Raton, Florida, this weekend, drive on over and get some cheap gas with their blessing. They ran a similar “Gas Buy Down” last year and had a very good response. The Lead Pastor, Nelson Searcy, says it is a practical way to share God’s love and is a great way to be a blessing to the people of his community. The church has also partnered on outreach projects and seeks creative ways to make a difference in people’s lives. Very refreshing. So get yourself over to the Miracle Mart at 1380 North Federal Highway, Boca Racon, FL this Saturday between 11am and 1pm to fill your tank
The search has been called off for Benito Flores, aged 43, who was swept out to sea during a baptism on a Guadalupe beach in California on Sunday. He was helping his cousin Pastor Maurigro Cervantes, of the Jesus Christ Light of the Sky church, who performs two or three such ceremonies each year. About 25 people were attending the ceremony and witnessed a big wave knock the pastor, Benito and the person being baptised off their feet. Two of them managed to save themselves, but Benito was caught by another wave and swept out to sea. He has not been seen since.
Can you believe that the film Noah has drawn sharp criticism because of inaccuracies? Not inaccuracies in what really happened obviously, but in how it differs from the short account in Genesis. Most criticism has come from people who have not seen the movie and are refusing to do so. Russell Crowe, who stars in the movie, has said he finds this stance “bordering on absolute stupidity”. I’m with you Russell. It seems there is a section of the movie showing how Darwinian evolution has transformed amoebas into apes. Yes, I can see where the creationists might have a problem with that. Anyhow, Ricky Gervais gives a much better treatment of Noah’s Ark. If you haven’t seen it, look it up on YouTube.