Church Of Apathy

It is often said that Apathists don’t care enough about religion to build a church. Well here it is. For those who believe that it is important to treat religion with apathy, I have built this church.

Sunday Assembly

It seems a lot of atheists would like to go to a Sunday service, but most are put off by the believing in God aspect. Now, in North London at least, there is a monthly Sunday service for non-believers, loosely following the format of Christian services. The Sunday Assembly, as it is called, was started by comedians Pippa Evans and Sanderson Jones. They have readings, sermons about caring for others, silent reflection, sing songs like “Don’t stop me now – Queen” and of course take up a collection. It’s everything you would expect from a religion, apart from the faith in God bit. For the second meeting, the service attracted too many people and some had to be directed to a nearby bar to watch a video feed of the event. It turns out that religion can be fun if you omit the faith in god. Watch the video on BBC at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21325805
The Sunday Assembly website (sundayassembly.com) has a link to help you if you want to set it up in your area. I think it’s a great idea, but I’m too much of an Apathist to do anything about it. however, if you start it up in my area, I’ll drop in from time to time.

While Adan Orduno was being held in jail awaiting trial for robbing a jewelry store and attempted murder, he heard God telling him to escape. God also told him how to escape. He gathered enough milk cartons to place under a blanket in the shape of a man, then climbed through a false ceiling and made his way over a barbed wire fence to the outside. It seems that a number of cameras at the prison were out of order. After escaping Adan went to his mother’s house to get some regular clothes, but didn’t mention that he had escaped. She presumed he was out on bail and hugged him and cried a lot. Officers found out he was missing early the next morning and he was later rearrested. He told officers he had been on a spiritual journey and that God had told him to escape. He also said if he had a gun he would have pointed it at the officers to commit “suicide by cop”. So why did God help this suspected felon? Perhaps his mother really needed a hug. She says he’s a good kid.

Kai, a homeless guy hitchhiking, took a lift from a big guy driving a black car. After a while the driver says, “Hey I’m Jesus I can do f***ing anything.” He then drives the car straight into a black worker standing by his truck at the side of the road, knocking him down. He then jumps out of the car and tries moving the victim. When a woman tried to stop him, he turned on her saying he was Jesus and he was going to save everyone from the n**gers and clasped her in a bear hug. His passenger Kai, grabbed an axe from the car and saved the woman by hitting Jesus three times, Smash, Smash, SMASH! You really have to watch the YouTube video to hear him tell the story. Thankfully everyone’s injuries were non-life threatening and Kai is a hero.

Yesterday the pope released a dove as a sign of peace following the angelus on holocaust day. A watching seagull, perhaps a nazi sympathiser intending to protest, attacked the dove and tried to kill it. Thousands of onlookers in St. Peter’s square looked on, as the dove flew for its life, trying to escape the gull. After a short while their prayers were answered as the dove flew free. Last year when the pope released two doves from the same window, they flew back in through the open window. Perhaps they had been given a tip off about another planned gull attack.

Sarah Ege a 33 year old mother in Wales has been sentenced to Life this week after beating her 7 year old son to death because he failed to memorise a section of the Quran. Her son, Yaseen, was enrolled in a program in the mosque to memorise some of the Quran and was facing an exam when the incident occurred in July 2010. He had been repeatedly beaten with a stick over a three month period and finally collapsed before his mother after receiving abdominal injuries. After the death, his body was burned and a room set on fire in an attempt to cover up the crime. Sarah later confessed saying she heard voices from the devil, but later withdrew the confession saying her husband and his family made her do it. Her husband was cleared of failing to prevent the death last December. Sarah will serve a minimum of 17 years, minus the 2.5 years she has already spent in secure psychiatric units since her arrest.

Tired of squabbling about religion and other matters, the Israeli Pirate Party is leading the surge of the lesser ranked parties for the Israeli Parliamentary Election due to take place on January 22^nd. Their leader, Ohad Shem-Tov, formerly belonging to a party seeking to legalise cannabis, appeared at a meeting on Dec 31^st, complete with pirate hat and hook to proclaim their rights to plagiarize and sail the high seas, although they do say they are not in favour of outright piracy like high jacking ships. Arrr! You gotta hope the scurvy dogs make it to the poop deck me hearties.

Who was first to visit the new born baby Jesus, some shepherds, the wise men or Father Christmas? Well according to a recent survey of about 1,000 adults and 1,000 children 37 opted for Santa. Scarily enough the 37 were mostly adults, not children.  Some of the other misconceptions were that Mary and Joseph were married when they found out she was pregnant (60%), they were on their first date (2%), Jesus was placed in a Moses basket (5%) and Jesus was born in Beirut (1%).  Other than the large number of people thinking that Mary and Joseph were married, the Nativity plays at this time of year seem to be doing their job in getting the story of Jesus across. Wouldn’t it be nice if Santa was the first visitor?

Jesus has made it into the top 25 most popular passwords for the first time. More and more foolish people are trusting the security of their data to the password Jesus. In their annual “25 Worst Passwords of the Year”, SplashData reveal that Jesus has entered the chart at number 21. The password “password” has topped the list again, followed by “123456″ and “12345678″, while “1234567″ has dropped 6 places down to 13.

Please ensure that if you choose a password, you don’t pick one from the list, your name or birthday, your football team, or in fact any word in a dictionary. Add some numbers (no not password with a zero) and peculiar symbols. Then you can pray to your God or Gods for extra protection, if you think that will help.

Here is the full list of the 25 most popular passwords for your pleasure:

1. password (unchanged)
2. 123456 (unchanged)
3. 12345678 (unchanged
4. abc123 (up 1)
5. qwerty (down 1)
6. monkey (unchanged)
7. letmein (up 1)
8. dragon (up 2)
9. 111111 (up 3)
10. baseball (up 1)
11. iloveyou (up 2)
12. trustno1 (down 3)
13. 1234567 (down 6)
14. sunshine (up 1)
15. master (down 1)
16. 123123 (up 4)
17. welcome (new)
18. shadow (up 1)
19. ashley (down 3)
20. football (up 5)
21. Jesus (new)
22. michael (up 2)
23. ninja (new)
24. mustang (new)
25. password1 (new)

The Bible is not an easy read and even harder if it is not in your language. In the town of Tabernacle (I kid you not), near Kingstown in Jamaica, people are hearing the Bible in their own street language, patios, for the first time. In a BBC video, a pastor reads from the Gospel of Saint Luke, or “Jiizas – di buk we Luuk rait bout im”, in order to demonstrate the difference. It covers the moment the Angel Gabriel tells Mary she is going to give birth. In English it reads “And having come in, the angel said to her, ‘Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you: blessed are you among women.’” The patios version reads “De angel go to Mary and say to ‘er, me have news we going to make you well ‘appy. God really, really, bless you and him a walk with you all de time.” Natives, who speak Jamaican Creole as their first language, are very enthusiastic about the project and say that it really brings the Bible to life. I wonder if we could get a Dublin Inner city version going, even though it’s not another language. I can just imagine the attempted stoning of the adulteress, “Ah Here! Leave it out!”

Cecilia Gimenez, caused quite a stir last month, when she decided to restore a 19th century fresco of Jesus in her local church in Borja, Spain. The pictures shows how it looked in 2010 on the left and how it looks today on the right. Cecilia claims she had permission to carry out the work which has left Jesus looking like a deformed monkey. The painting is so bad that it has become notorious.  Thousands of people have flocked to the church to view it for themselves. Ryanair are offering special deals for tourists to see it. In fact it has become so popular that Ms. Gimenez, through her lawyers, is now demanding economic compensation for her efforts. It’s lucky it was Jesus and not Muhammad or she would be hiding from a fatwa instead of looking for a reward.