Monthly Archives: June 2011
Isaiah Kalebu, in his murder and rape trial, has told the court that he was told by the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to attack enemies. Earlier in the week, the surviving victim of the attack, identified Kalebu as the man who broke into the home she shared with her partner Teresa Butz, two years ago. She told the jury that he tortured and sexually abused the two women before slashing one girls throat and stabbing Teresa in the heart. Teresa jumped out a window and ran away naked and screaming, but later died. Her partner managed to escape and later identified Kalebu. Due to previous outbursts in the courtroom, Kalebu appeared strapped into a wheelchair wearing white mitts to prevent him from attacking others. He was also connected to an electric shock device so that he could be zapped if he became uncontrollable. What a charming man.
Today is Tau Day for one of the newer mathematical movements as proposed in The Tau Manifesto by Michael Hartl, stemming from a 2001 paper pointing out that pi is wrong. The proposal is that pi (π) is wrong in the sense that it is better to use the radius rather than the diameter to define the circle constant. They propose that this new constant, which of course is equal to double pi, should be symbolized by the Greek letter tau (τ). Tau can be used anywhere pi is used and makes working with radians neater as there is one tau in a full circle. The movement is similar to a religious movement in many ways. Once people have been converted, they become zealots and are almost violently angry at pi. They have a sense of being lied to all their lives and wish to enlighten others. They call tau the true circle constant and encourage you to embrace the tau. Followers of tauism seek the way of the tau. They assert that using pi is like having the yang without the yin. Today followers of tau celebrate all things mathematical and true. They hold parties and eat twice as much pie. You can join their mailing list on the Tau Manifesto website.
Levon Sarkisyan claims that a light from above told him to break into a home in Farmington, Connecticut. He used a poker to smash statues and a marble table, claiming that God wanted him to help the world. He took a shower and dressed in the clothes of a former deceased resident of the house. When the home owner tried to call the police and the phone did not work, Levon claimed it was divine intervention and God would not allow the phone call. Police eventually did arrive and he was charged with burglary and criminal mischief.
It seems that God is now going around carving his signature into people’s veins. Perhaps the creationists will approve the fact that God has finally decided to sign his work, rather than leaving it open to question. Audreanna Phelps, of Kansas in the US, noticed that the varicose vein in her leg appeared to spell God. Instead of dismissing this as a strange co-incidence, she reckons it is a sign from God. What it means is unknown, but it’s a sign. Personally if some supreme being started drawing shapes on me with varicose veins I wouldn’t be too impressed. It’s taking a bit of a liberty isn’t it? Wouldn’t a more meaningful message be more appropriate, like whether there is life on other planets or when the world will really end? Just writing God on it’s own is a bit of an under-achievement for a supreme being. All the taking God’s name in vein jokes have been done, so I resisted.
First they banned veils in France, now they are banning UK nurses from wearing skimpy attire. The administration staff claims that this is a health and safety rather than an Islamic Shariah law issue. A number of hospitals have been affected including the Lister in Stevenage. A new six-page dress code explains that denim, shorts, leggings, miniskirts and excessive cleavage are not permitted. Sounds like I’ve been going to the wrong hospitals. In a possibly unrelated case, a British man by the name of Sean Murphy decided to treat himself rather than going to hospital. He tranquillized himself with lager and then used a shotgun to remove a wart on his hand. Unfortunately he also removed most of his finger and got a 16 week suspended prison sentence for unlawful possession of a firearm. Mr. Murphy said he is glad that the wart is gone.
A fringe Muslim group in Malaysia has caused some controversy by starting an Obedient Wives Club. The group maintain that wives should be better than a first class prostitute in the bedroom. By sexually satisfying their husbands, they can prevent domestic violence and sexual promiscuity. Doesn’t it sound a bit like the husband saying, “Do what I want in the bedroom or I’ll beat you up and sleep with other women”? I can’t really see why the wives would join, unless of course they don’t want to be beaten up and have their husbands sleep around. The media has asked the minister for women in Malaysia, Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, if wives are being turned into slaves by their husbands. She has stated that the club is giving Islam a bad name.
Harold Camping, the 89 year old man behind Family Radio who told us the end of the world would start last May 21st, has been released from hospital following a mild stroke. He suffered slurred speech and some unkind souls have suggested on Twitter that it was God’s way of shutting him up. Family Radio is reputed to be worth in the region of $72 million, with the main source of funds being donations. They totaled $18 million in donations in 2009. I’m sure Harold had the best of medical attention and he will no doubt be back on-air in no time with further silly predictions to cheer us up. Despite being wrong about Jesus returning in 1994 and again this year, he is maintaining that people were saved on May 21st, even though nobody saw Jesus, and that the world will still come to an end on Oct 21st, as originally predicted. Maybe Harold’s end is nigh, but I hope he makes it past Oct 21st so that we can have more fun with him.
Ganesha is one of the most recognizable Hindu deities, thanks to His elephant head. He is revered as the Lord of Beginnings, patron of arts and sciences and the God of intellect and wisdom. When the council of Coeur D’Alene in Idaho allowed a sculpture of Ganesha to be displayed on it’s streets, the local Constitution Party published an article calling it a Hindu demon, approved by a godless group of individuals. The anti-gay, anti-abortion party claim to stand for the ideas of the original founding fathers of the United States, but have clearly dismissed the idea of separation of religion and state. A call for a protest against the so called abomination last Friday, drew a handful of protestors along with another handful of supporters for the art. It was overall a demonstration of Apathy by the masses. Well done everyone!
Dear Leicester City Council,
Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.
Please provide any information you may have.
Of course, under the freedom of information act, the council was obliged to supply whatever information they had on the subject, which was very little. Even though most of the people there believe in God, life after death and other strange things, they do not seem to be taking the zombie threat seriously. The head of information governance, Lynn Wyeth, even said that they laughed at the letter. I would urge all readers to write similar letters and send them to their local council or representative. Make sure you mention the freedom of information act, so they will be compelled to investigate. We need a disaster recovery plan, should the zombies attack.
Three years ago, in response to a dream he had many years before, Johan Huibers started building a replica of Noah’s ark. Johan, a Dutch construction company owner, spent over a million euro on the project. He has now asked for permission to moor the boat in London during the Olympics next year. The ship has the same dimensions as the one in the bible measuring 750 ft x 75 ft. It is planned to have model animals on the bottom deck, real animals with a viewing gallery on the next and an aviary on the upper deck. The ark will also have living quarters for Johan and his wife. Unlike the original, there will also be two conference rooms for Johan is keeping an eye on the business side of things. Some years ago, against the advice of his wife, he built a smaller, half size ark that could fit in the Dutch canals, and made not far off a million euro profit, by charging people a modest fee for admittance. He has also been talking to business associates in Israel. He claims that they say it is a Jewish Ark, not a Christian Ark and he stole it. Isn’t religion great for causing arguments? Let’s hope he gets permission to sail and it doesn’t sink on the way over to London.