Monthly Archives: November 2011
Following His recent vacation in Ireland, Jesus has made a brief appearance at Longford Health Centre, Coventry, seemingly in support of Darwin’s theory of evolution. After receiving treatment, Martin Cotterill, 46, removed a blue paper towel which had been placed on his foot to dry it. He was stunned to see an image of Jesus staring back at him from the towel. The nurse too saw the image and immediately recognised Jesus. Luckily photographs were taken, as the image faded as the towel dried out. There goes ebay merchandising! However, as Mr. Cotterill continued to examine photographs of the image (posted on Facebook) he was more convinced it looked more like someone from planet of the apes, or Homer Simpson. What does it all mean? Maybe Jesus is telling us Darwin is right, or that we will eventually evolve into more ape-like beings.
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return to the trees, out of which thou wast taken: for monkey thou art, and into monkey thou shalt return”.
When I first heard that the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) were blocking text messages containing the word Jesus, I thought it was a delayed April Fool Day joke. I was wrong, they are serious. In a misguided attempt to limit spam and bullying via text messages, the PTA have supplied telecom operators with a list of over 1,000 English words and asked them to block any text message containing them. Most of the words are swear words and slang for certain body parts, but many are genuine words that can be used in normal speech such as Jesus, Back Door, Breast, Devil, Fairy, Finger Food, Gay, Harder, Hole, Idiot, Joint, Kill, Laid, Oui, Queer, Screw, Slant, Slime, Spit and xxx. So if you text your partner and ask them to phone the joint and order finger food, maybe breast of chicken to be laid out, that’s a fourfold infringement. I add xxx to the end of many texts, I guess that would have to stop. Strangely masturbate is not on the list, but the incorrect spellings Mastabate, Mastabater, Masterbate and Mastrabator are included. Maybe they are trying to encourage better spelling. This approach is proven not to work and will just annoy genuine users while spammers have fun deriving spellings not on the list. Now the chairman of Ifhamul Quran International has said that banning Jesus is offensive to both Muslims and Christians. He has appealed to the President and Prime Minister to find out which official drew up this list and have them prosecuted under the blasphemy law. He also added that those who want to ban Jesus Christ (pbuh) from text messages do not understand the Holy Quran. Well I think there is quite a lot more that they don’t understand.
Full list here
Following a shooting attack on the White House last Friday, police have arrested 21 year old Ortega-Hernandez in connection with the incident. It seems that he believed that he was Jesus, on a mission from God to rid the world of the Anti-Christ, Barrack Obama. He is accused of firing nine rounds from what is believed to be an AK-47, equipped with a scope, from a car into the white house. One of the bullets managed to crack a pane of glass in the family living quarters, but it was stopped by the bullet proof glass. Yes, God in His wisdom didn’t mention the bullet proof glass when delivering the mission details. Neither did He mention that President Obama would be travelling to Hawaii at the time of the attack. Oh God, You are such a joker. If Ortega is convicted of attempting to assassinate the president or his staff, he could face up to life in prison. Surely the guy’s sanity is questionable.
Yes, Jesus is taking some time out to enjoy the scenery on the rugged west coast of Ireland. When an American tourist went to see the famous cliffs of Moher, she was surprised when the camera shots she took appeared to have a face imprinted in the cliffs. Ms Clifford (that really is her name) immediately knew that it was the face of Jesus. Later that evening, following Irish traditions, she showed the photographs to the locals in Gus O Conner’s pub in Doolin, who agreed with her conclusion. I can just here it, “Oh Bejaysus that’s Himself alright”. Now if we can just get some mad Irish priest to build an airport nearby and the tourists will flock to see it. Thank you George for sharing the link on Facebook.
I haven’t been keeping my eye on Ghana lately. The renowned profit of God in Ghana, as Peter Anamoh modestly describes himself on his website, predicted that on 11/11/11 at 11pm (presumably Ghana time) there would be a catastrophe affecting the whole world with lightning, thunder and storms. All the terrestrial bodies were to collide leading to pandemonium. When the event failed to materialise, the prophet blamed God for giving him false messages. Well, if God gives him incorrect information to pass on, we can’t really hold him responsible. It’s that mischievous practical joker God showing us a divine sense of humour. Of course, like all doomsday prophets, he leaves his website open for donations right up to and beyond the end.
God has been telling people to do strange things. Now he has told no less than four different people that they should be the next president of the United States. Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain and Rick Perry all claim that God has told them to run for office. I guess this is just a practical joke on all of them and someone else is going to fill the office. Who said God had no sense of humour?
An ultrasound on a patient in a Canadian hospital produced an image that looks like a man in pain. There is no visible beard, so nobody thinks it is the face of Jesus. The paraplegic patient, did not assign any religious significance to the find. He had the testical removed and the growth was found to be benign. The patient was just relieved it wasn’t cancer and showed no interest in the strange appearance. The case has been published in a medical journal as “The Face of Testicular Pain, A Surprising Ultrasound Finding”. Meanwhile Lupita la Bourdette of Pharr in Texas, has become a believer after finding Jesus and his mother Mary holding a baby in her screen door. She claims to have had a dream about a little girl asking her to pray for the world and shortly after the images appeared. Now six years later, she has decided to share with the rest of the world. Who is the mysterious baby? Is it the girl from the dream? Has Jesus had a daughter, a new sister or has the trinity become the trinity plus one? Who is that baby?
A six year old boy is recovering in Cooper University Hospital, New Jersey, after having his throat slashed in an apparent bid by his 25 year old step father to unite him with Jesus. The boy’s mother called for help after discovering the injuries and police came to find the step dad, Darrell Flood, naked and talking of uniting the child with Jesus. He was immediately arrested and charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and endangering the life of a child. The boy, thankfully, is expected to recover.