Monthly Archives: December 2011
What could me more religious at Christmas than visiting the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where it is alleged Jesus Christ was born? Well perhaps you should avoid it. The church is jointly controlled by a number of competing religions and disputes often erupt between them over territorial claims. This year the Armenian Orthodox and Greek Orthodox clergyman had a full on brawl over who was supposed to clean which part of the church. They ended up screaming and hitting each other with broomsticks. The Palestinian security forces had to be called in to break up the riot. See the video on YouTube.
Meanwhile over near Reno, Jesus spoke to Justin Bennett through his heart and directed his rampage of arson, vandalism and shooting this Christmas. He targeted the police, a post office, four motels, strip clubs and various vehicles, shooting into them and burning down the unoccupied post office. He says
People should be home with their families at Christmas and at church, not at the strip clubs.
He has been charged with discharging a firearm into a building, arson and burglary.
Over near London, Santa Claus left an image of Jesus in the sock of Sarah Crane’s laundry. Who said they couldn’t work together? When Sarah started making a shrine to the sock, some of the creases fell out and the image could not be seen so clearly, but you can still make out the face. Unfortunately, she thinks it is no longer good enough to donate to her local church. She thinks it’s a sign, but for what she does not know. That reminds me, I must get rid of my holy socks.
The crib was placed
On the lawn with care
But alas Baby Jesus
Is no longer there.
Yes, the stealing Baby Jesus from the crib season is in full swing this year right across the globe. From one in Waterford, Ireland which was later found badly damaged, to the serial Baby Jesus snatcher in Port Angeles who took six of them. One bright spark who posted a picture of a stolen statue on her Facebook page and bragged about taking it, is now facing charges in Fredericksburg. Over in Macomb County, MI, they had a new variation this year. Besides stealing the Baby Jesus, they also posed lighted reindeer ornaments in sexual positions. If you are placing a Baby Jesus outside your house, make sure it is fitted with a GPS device and install some hidden cameras.
Merry Christmas everyone, or if you object to Jesus being include:
Season’s Greetings, Happy Holidays, Enjoy the Winter Solstice
Congratulations to our 15,070 friends in the Czech Republic who listed their religion on the recent census as Jedi Knight. While it represents only 0.14% of the population, or 0.31% in Prague, the impressive turnout caused some ripples that could be felt in the Force. This recognition follows similar results in New Zealand, Australia, the United Kingdom and Canada. Some people question whether the Knights of Jedi is a ‘real’ religion, just as they sometimes question Apathism. As JediChurch.org states
No religion is truth. It’s all just a matter of faith.
And let us not forget the words of Adi Gallia
Better a few faithful supporters than a wealth of false friends.
May the force be with you.
How often have you seen reports of images of Jesus appearing on various foodstuffs and wished you could see it for yourself? Well now you can. The Daily Bread Company and Burnt Impressions LLC are selling Jesus toasters that are guaranteed to make the face of Jesus appear on your toast every day. If you are Catholic, you can also get the Virgin Mary toaster, perhaps in a nice shade of blue. For Christmas they have a Nativity Toaster that does both Jesus and Mary. Don’t worry, non Christians are covered too, they also have the Star of David, Crescent Moon and Ganesh. Atheists can select the Obama toaster to represent them after he failed to thank God in his Thanksgiving Day speech. There are lots of others like a marijuana leaf, a peace sign and a maple leaf. The Jesus toaster is the most popular with sales of between 50 and 100 per day, which if true, should be generating a turnover of around $1 Million per annum. So hot, they could melt butter. I’m in the wrong business. What a nice present for Christmas. Buy 2 Jesus toasters and get a free Virgin Mary. See the custom page on the website to see the entire range or just get a Jesus toaster at jesustoasters.com. I wonder if it has an extra cheesy setting.
Dr Kara Britt and Prof Roger Short, from Melbourne University, are urging the Catholic Church to make the pill freely available to their nuns. This is not because the nuns are at risk of getting pregnant, but like other women who do not give birth, they are more at risk of developing some forms of cancer. Taking the contraceptive pill greatly reduces the risk of cancer of the breast, ovary and uterus for these women. Unfortunately, the Catholic Church has taken a strong stand against all forms of contraception since the Humanae Vitae was published in 1968. However, the same document does state that medicine with contraceptive effects can be taken for the purpose of combating disease. So watch this space. Will the Catholic Church buy the contraceptive pill for almost 95,000 nuns each month, thus providing funds for the people producing contraceptive pills, or will it let the nuns take their chances with developing cancer?
‘Tis the season to be offended, part 2. What could be more festive than the image of Jesus getting drunk and passing out at a Bachelor Party, or Stag Party, depending on where in the world you live? The band Babybird believe that their new release “Jesus Stag Night Club”, which also features Johhny Depp, believe that this festive ditty could be the Christmas No. 1. I guess anything would be better than another X-Factor hit. Let’s view some lyrics.
Saw a man in a bar with his hair like a lady
Bloody thorns round his ear like he was a crazy
He had holes in his hands and a cross for a spine
Crushed a berry in his Perrier and called it wine
Saw a man lying on the floor beaten up
He had a fish finger sandwich and a yellow M coffee cup
I bent down drunk and tried to pick him up
But when I turned around I could see it was Jesus
A lot of people have criticized Johnny Depp for getting involved. The Christian Coalition has said “One day, Johnny Depp and his cronies will face the judgment of our Lord and they will burn in hell for this filth”. That’s the spirit. Turn the other cheek.
‘Tis the season to be offended. It seems God decided to publish another testament and choose the unlikely route of getting a comedy writer to transcribe it. David Javerbaum, former writer and producer of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” has written the book “The Last Testament, A Memoir by God” as a message from God, transcribed by himself. Other books by the same author are listed as the Old Testament, the New Testament and the Koran. In the book, God describes Himself as “Maker of Little Green Apples; Rester of Merry Gentlemen; and Sole Knower of the Beach Boys.” The book is likely to offend people of all faiths by taking a light-hearted look at religion. Included is a message to those who are too noisy in the bedroom, “Stop shouting my name.” Verily, thou must checketh it out.