Because religion should not matter (too much)


Jesus arrested for assault after not paying wife’s bill in restaurant

jesusandwifeKristi Rhimes in Oklahoma, who claims to be married to Jesus Christ, was stood up last Friday after having food and drinks at the El Chico restaurant in Lawton. She claimed her husband, Jesus Christ a famous religious leader, would be along to pay the bill. When Jesus failed to show up (as usual), and Kristi had no other method of paying the bill, she was arrested for fraud. Strangely enough the next day in Louisville, Kentucky, just 800 miles away, a man claiming to be Jesus Christ was arrested for assaulting a woman in her eighties. The old woman was dragging herself across the street on her hands and knees, when Jesus, also named Calvotte Brooks, clearly saw she was the devil in disguise and threw a glass plate at her head. With her right cheek bleeding and bruised, she was visibly shaken and unable to give her name to the police. The police, failing to recognise that this was in fact Satan in disguise, arrested Calvotte and charged him with assault. In court on Monday, during a heated exchange with the Judge, Calvotte revealed that he is in fact head of Homeland Security. In light of this the judge upgraded the charge to attempted murder and set bail at half a million dollars. Both Jesus (Calvotte) and his wife (Kristi) remain in custody.

Pope’s doves attacked again.

crow attacks doveYes, those satanic seagulls are at it again. Exactly one year ago seagulls attacked two doves released by Pope Benedict as a sign of peace, but the doves escaped. Yesterday, the gulls decided to bring some reinforcements for their mission in the shape of a crow. You have to admire their choice. A crow is a more classical bird of evil, perhaps we may get a raven or two for next year’s rematch. Shortly after Pope Francis and two children released the doves, they were attacked by a seagull and a crow. Despite their being a crowd of tens of thousands of people in Saint Peter’s square, nobody knows if the doves survived. Well I guess that’s a miracle of sorts.

Kai uses his axe to stop Jesus hurting people

Kai, a homeless guy hitchhiking, took a lift from a big guy driving a black car. After a while the driver says, “Hey I’m Jesus I can do f***ing anything.” He then drives the car straight into a black worker standing by his truck at the side of the road, knocking him down. He then jumps out of the car and tries moving the victim. When a woman tried to stop him, he turned on her saying he was Jesus and he was going to save everyone from the n**gers and clasped her in a bear hug. His passenger Kai, grabbed an axe from the car and saved the woman by hitting Jesus three times, Smash, Smash, SMASH! You really have to watch the YouTube video to hear him tell the story. Thankfully everyone’s injuries were non-life threatening and Kai is a hero.

Pope’s dove attacked by seagull

Gull attacks DoveYesterday the pope released a dove as a sign of peace following the angelus on holocaust day. A watching seagull, perhaps a nazi sympathiser intending to protest, attacked the dove and tried to kill it. Thousands of onlookers in St. Peter’s square looked on, as the dove flew for its life, trying to escape the gull. After a short while their prayers were answered as the dove flew free. Last year when the pope released two doves from the same window, they flew back in through the open window. Perhaps they had been given a tip off about another planned gull attack.

Mother guilty of killing 7 year old for failing to learn Quran

Yaseen and SaraSarah Ege a 33 year old mother in Wales has been sentenced to Life this week after beating her 7 year old son to death because he failed to memorise a section of the Quran. Her son, Yaseen, was enrolled in a program in the mosque to memorise some of the Quran and was facing an exam when the incident occurred in July 2010. He had been repeatedly beaten with a stick over a three month period and finally collapsed before his mother after receiving abdominal injuries. After the death, his body was burned and a room set on fire in an attempt to cover up the crime. Sarah later confessed saying she heard voices from the devil, but later withdrew the confession saying her husband and his family made her do it. Her husband was cleared of failing to prevent the death last December. Sarah will serve a minimum of 17 years, minus the 2.5 years she has already spent in secure psychiatric units since her arrest.

God tells football player to start fire

Spokane FireThursday morning at 5:30am, near Spokane, WA, Kevin Marcus Ellison, a professional football player with Shock Spokane, had to jump from his upper story apartment window to escape a fire. His teammate Chris Tucker who shares the apartment was awakened by a smoke detector and also escaped unharmed. Luckily the blaze was spotted by passing fire-fighters who requested backup and extinguished the fire. On examination of the scene fire-fighters ruled out accidental causes and at the hospital, where Ellison was being treated for smoke inhalation, he told a Fire Marshal that God had told him to set the bed on fire with a marijuana blunt. Damage is estimated at $50,000 and Ellison has been arrested for arson.

Killer claiming to be Jesus judged insane

Police at the sceneA man claiming to be the Lord’s Warrior, who beat a man to death with a fence post two years ago, has been found not guilty due to metal illness in Canada. Kevin Larry Michalchuk was staying with a friend at the time and after saying he was Jesus and emptying the contents of his friend’s fridge onto the driveway was asked to leave. His friend called a neighbour, Peppino Bassani, to let him know what was happening and also notified the police. Bassani did not wait for the police, but went out to check his horses and found that Michalchuk had released them from their coral. Michalchuk believed Bassani was a child molester and animal abuser, so presumably in his mind he was saving the horses. A quarrel ensued and Michalchuk hit Bassani with a broken fence post. He fell to the ground and Michalchuk continued hitting him until he stopped moving and then hid the body under some straw. When the police arrived he was wearing a balaclava and carrying a pail and a rope. He yelled that he was the son of God at police and said “I am Jesus. I am the decider. You do not decide.” Two hours after he was taken away, Bassani’s daughter found the body near some grazing horses. After admitting the killing, Michalchuk told police that Bassani had taken the Lord’s name in vain, which had angered him. “God had chosen him to die”, he told police. He also claimed that Bassani said he was Santa Clause and would climb down chimneys, steal kids and eat them. He added that the horses were happier now that Bassani was dead. It looks like Michalchuk will be confined to Alberta Hospital for a long time.

God tells brother and sister to kill their parents

Mathew, Nicolette and HardusHave you been following the fascinating trial of the Lotter family in South Africa? It seems that the daughter, Nicolette, thought she was possessed by a tokoloshe (Zulu demon) that raped her every night. Along came a boyfriend, Mathew Naidoo, claiming to be the third son of God. He had sex with her and banished the demon. God then spoke to Nicolette and her brother Hardus, through Mathew, telling them to steal money from their parents. He then told them that God wanted their parents dead. Hardus, after persuasion from his sibling and a punching from Mathew, eventually agreed to help kill his parents. They planned to use a stun gun to knock them out and then inject air into their veins to induce a heart attack. However, it all went wrong. Hardus ended up strangling his father with an electric cable. He hit his mother with his fists and sat on her for about 15 minutes while his sister went to get a knife. When Nicolette came back she repeatedly stabbed her mother until she was dead, telling her it was God’s will. God then told them to clean the carpet and computer so they wouldn’t be caught. In a final twist Nicolette and her boyfriend Mathew tried to get Hardus to commit suicide, which would have left the couple free to collect the inheritance. However, the two siblings survived and they and Mathew are now all charged with the double murder of the Lotter parents. I’ll say it again. Don’t list to crazy Gods.

Jesus Statues Battle It Out

Decapitated Jesus StatueJesus statues are having a hard time lately. One of them outside a Boston church was decapitated by vandals just over a week ago. Police are still investigating, but the statue is a write off.

In Flathead, Montana the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF), managed to get a permit for a Jesus statue revoked. The statue has been standing for 50 years, erected as a World War II memorial by the Knights of Columbus, at the top of a ski slope. Following a great public outcry to prevent the statue from being removed, the US Forest Service granted a renewal of the permit.

The Tourist Board of Brazil recently floated the idea of erecting a thirty foot replica of Christ the Redeemer on Primrose Hill, London, to coincide with the 2012 Olympics. The idea has been met with open hostility and derision and the Brazilian Tourist Board have been surprised with the negative response. Malcolm Kafetz, chair of the Friends of Primrose Hill said “We oppose it on the grounds that we don’t want any advertising in Royal Parks, otherwise we’ll have Coca-Cola in there soon enough”.

Christmas makes religious people crazy

What could me more religious at Christmas than visiting the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where it is alleged Jesus Christ was born? Well perhaps you should avoid it. The church is jointly controlled by a number of competing religions and disputes often erupt between them over territorial claims. This year the Armenian Orthodox and Greek Orthodox clergyman had a full on brawl over who was supposed to clean which part of the church. They ended up screaming and hitting each other with broomsticks. The Palestinian security forces had to be called in to break up the riot.  See the video on YouTube.

Meanwhile over near Reno, Jesus spoke to Justin Bennett through his heart and directed his rampage of arson, vandalism and shooting this Christmas. He targeted the police, a post office, four motels, strip clubs and various vehicles, shooting into them and burning down the unoccupied post office. He says

People should be home with their families at Christmas and at church, not at the strip clubs.

He has been charged with discharging a firearm into a building, arson and burglary.

Over near London, Santa Claus left an image of Jesus in the sock of Sarah Crane’s laundry. Who said they couldn’t work together?  When Sarah started making a shrine to the sock, some of the creases fell out and the image could not be seen so clearly, but you can still make out the face. Unfortunately, she thinks it is no longer good enough to donate to her local church. She thinks it’s a sign, but for what she does not know.  That reminds me, I must get rid of my holy socks.

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