Because religion should not matter (too much)

Church

Gigs at Church, with Alcohol, planned by Plant

judasbeerNo, not Robert Plant. The new vicar, Tom Plant, at St Michael’s Church in Camden, has applied for an alcohol licence. He is planning to run gigs in the church 4 evenings a week, in order to earn much needed revenue to support their mission. He does not have a problem with alcohol and said “Jesus turned water into wine for a reason.” To help with one of the problems that alcohol consumption brings, three new portable loos have been installed on the grounds of the church. Flirting with alcohol is nothing new, on the second and fourth Tuesday of each month, they also run a Theology in the Pub session, where those of drinking age can talk about faith over a pint. Father Plant, who is a Nine Inch Nails fan, says they are not talking about heavy metal or a mosh pit and he has no plans to invite AC/DC or Metallica, but rather solo artists and poets. No, he won’t violate you. No, he won’t desecrate you. Well let’s hope not. We wish him well with his novel approach.

God gets angry, destroys church

Destroyed Church of St George

I keep telling people that if there is a God, He certainly doesn’t want us to worship Him. Remember the first commandment, Do not Worship. Back in 2010 that Jesus statue was smote down. Excessive worship seems to be making God a little irate of late.  Last month as services started in Quincy, God unleashed a lightning bolt at the church and knocked the top off the steeple. The service was abandoned for fears that further debris may fall through the roof.  Undeterred  by this millions of people continued to attend churches, so God sent forth a second lightning bolt, this time destroying the Tudor church of St George in Lincolnshire. This time the damage was so severe that the Churches Conservation Trust doubt that it can be restored. Stay out of churches lest ye anger the Lord. Mark Driscoll, a Seattle based pastor, published an article this week saying “Jesus is not a pansy or a pacifist”, “He is saddling up on a white horse and coming to slaughter his enemies” and “Blood will flow.” Understandably, a lot of people who preach quite the opposite reacted noisily on Twitter. It’s a war zone out there. Keep your head low and use our online services to stay safely away from churches.

Atheist Church a big success

Sunday Assembly

It seems a lot of atheists would like to go to a Sunday service, but most are put off by the believing in God aspect. Now, in North London at least, there is a monthly Sunday service for non-believers, loosely following the format of Christian services. The Sunday Assembly, as it is called, was started by comedians Pippa Evans and Sanderson Jones. They have readings, sermons about caring for others, silent reflection, sing songs like “Don’t stop me now – Queen” and of course take up a collection. It’s everything you would expect from a religion, apart from the faith in God bit. For the second meeting, the service attracted too many people and some had to be directed to a nearby bar to watch a video feed of the event. It turns out that religion can be fun if you omit the faith in god. Watch the video on BBC at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21325805
The Sunday Assembly website (sundayassembly.com) has a link to help you if you want to set it up in your area. I think it’s a great idea, but I’m too much of an Apathist to do anything about it. however, if you start it up in my area, I’ll drop in from time to time.

Jesus appears in a church wearing a crown of thorns

Jesus ShadowYou know what it’s like waiting for a Jesus apparition. None come for ages, then they all show up at once. The latest appearance is in the unlikely location of a church. Just in time for Easter, Jesus has appeared wearing a crown of thorns. Thanks to the spreading of the word through social media, the nuns at Ursuline Academy have had to leave the chapel doors open longer so that people can come and see the shadow of Jesus on a pillar. The shadow is cast by an ornate chandelier, hardly miraculous, but visitors say it makes them think more and pray harder. I think this Jesus is cast by the sun of God.

File Sharing Church recognised in Sweden

KopimismAt last the Gods of file sharing have had their religion officially recognised.  The Church of Kopimism, has been registered as an official religion by Kammarkollegiet, a Swedish governmental agency, making Sweden the first country to recognise the religion. Their roots are in file copying and the belief that everything should be free. As it states on the church website, in this religion, information is holy and copying it is a sacrament. Information holds a value and the value multiplies through copying. They reckon that having the religion recognised will help end their religious persecution, when people try to prevent them carrying out the holy sacrament of file copying. If you feel a calling to worship information, they organise kopyactings, religious services where information is copied and remixed. Currently the group have a few thousand followers, but this is likely to grow following the news of their official recognition. Go forth and Multiply,  Copy and Seed.

Knights of Jedi recognised in Czech Republic

Congratulations to our 15,070 friends in the Czech Republic who listed their religion on the recent census as Jedi Knight. While it represents only 0.14% of the population, or 0.31% in Prague, the impressive turnout caused some ripples that could be felt in the Force. This recognition follows similar results in New Zealand, Australia, the United Kingdom and Canada. Some people question whether the Knights of Jedi is a ‘real’ religion, just as they sometimes question Apathism. As JediChurch.org states

No religion is truth. It’s all just a matter of faith.

And let us not forget the words of Adi Gallia

Better a few faithful supporters than a wealth of false friends.

May the force be with you.

Man rips his eyes out

Religion can seriously damage your health. Every church should have a government health warning stamped across the front door. One of the latest victims, 46 year old Aldo Bianchini, was attending mass in a Catholic church in Viareggio near Pisa in the North West of Italy. Everything was fine until he heard voices in his head telling him to remove his eyes. To the horror of other church goers around him he proceeded to gouge out his eyeballs with his bare hands before collapsing in a pool of blood. Father Lorenzo Tanganelli, who had just begun his sermon when the commotion began realised what was happening and called the paramedics. They arrived quickly to take him to a local hospital, but they were unable to re-attach the eyeballs and he will remain blind for the rest of his life.  Father Tanganelli resumed the Mass after Bianchini had been taken away, but many of the congregation had had enough for that morning and went home. What is that quotation from the bible?

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Yes, perhaps the bible should have a health warning across the cover too.

Church or Prison? Criminals decide.

Mike RowlandAmericans in the state of Alabama have come up with a great idea to boost church attendance and save money on running the prison service simultaneously. The new program grandly called Operation ROC (Restore Our Community) allows criminals found guilty of minor non-violent crimes to choose between serving time in prison, paying a fine or attending church services on Sunday. The town in question, Bay Minette, does not contain any mosques or synagogues so only Christians need apply. The town police chief, Mike Rowland, claims the program is primarily a cost saving measure saving over $500 a week for each potential inmate who turns to Jesus. The American Civil Liberties Union is strongly against the operation and called it blatantly unconstitutional.  The American constitution prohibits the state forcing participation in religious activity. The police chief denies that anything is being forced as it is a free choice. I think most would agree that it really isn’t much of a choice. The operation which was originally to start operating yesterday has been delayed while lawyers check the legality of it. If the city attorney gives his approval, it will go live after the next court day on October 11th. If it does go ahead, I can’t wait until Muslims somewhere in America get in on the act.

Google is God

Google GodFollowing Google’s decision to stop filtering Chinese search results, the Chinese state media has said that “For Chinese people, Google is not God, and even if it puts on a show of politics and values, it is still not God.

The Church of Google has been maintaining for some time, that Google is in fact God. Their proof page lists 9 proofs that can be applied to prove (more than any other God) that Google is God. Well at least we know it exists. That’s a start.

Sponsored
Social Media