Jesus, Mary or other appearances
People are flocking to collect ‘Holy Water’ from a statue of Jesus, in a village near Mumbai in India, that has started crying. Police have had to be called in to control the crowds.
The last time this happened at church in Mumbai, in 2012, Sanal Edamaruku came along to disprove the miracle and proved that the source of water was a blocked drain. Instead of thanking Edamaruku for protecting their health, the people turned against him and a number of blasphemy charges were brought against him. Edamaruku is well know for exposing fake miracle workers. After death threats were made and a fellow activist was murdered, he sought refuge in Helsinki, Finland and remains there to this day.
Fed up with foodstuff appearances, Jesus has graced the door of a toilet in IKEA, Glasgow, with his image. It was spotted by Dave Simons during a visit. He snapped the image and shared it with his friends. However, as reported in the Daily Mail, some of his friends thinks it looks more like the tree people in Lord of the Rings, than Jesus.
I was beginning to think Jesus had given up appearing on foodstuffs, but low and behold on Good Friday, He appeared on a pancake in the Cowgirl Cafe, in Norco. So why a pancake? And why on Good Friday, traditionally a day of fasting? Is it a sign? The owner of the cafe, Karen Hendrickson, said she felt it was a sign for her, after praying the night before for God to continue watching over the Cowgirl Cafe. Well He did the job. After Karen photographed the pancake, posted it on Facebook and contacted a local TV station, sales jumped and new customers were anxious to see photos of the “Jesus pancake”. The actual pancake has been put in the freezer for safe keeping. Some people on Facebook thinks it looks more like Charles Manson and a customer of the Cafe said it looks more like Abraham Lincoln. Well, seeing as nobody really knows what Jesus looked like, it’s all a bit mad, but sales in the cafe have picked up and people are smiling.
To the delight of residents in Splendora, Texas, Jesus decided to visit their home. Oddly enough, the chosen spot to appear was in the mold growing in their shower. Chyanna Richards, resident at the home, can see the head of Jesus, the face and a cloak. Thomas George, who also lives there, was in prison when the uncanny likeness was discovered and thinks it is a sign that Jesus is watching over them. Regardless of whether the sign is from Jesus, Mr. Blobby or a random pattern of mold, I would be more inclined to look on it as a message that the hygiene regime in the home needs to be stepped up a notch.
You know what it’s like waiting for a Jesus apparition. None come for ages, then they all show up at once. The latest appearance is in the unlikely location of a church. Just in time for Easter, Jesus has appeared wearing a crown of thorns. Thanks to the spreading of the word through social media, the nuns at Ursuline Academy have had to leave the chapel doors open longer so that people can come and see the shadow of Jesus on a pillar. The shadow is cast by an ornate chandelier, hardly miraculous, but visitors say it makes them think more and pray harder. I think this Jesus is cast by the sun of God.
Perhaps inspired by a recent visit to the Cliffs of Moher, Jesus has now shown up on a dead sting ray washed up on the shore of James Island, South Carolina. Erika Scheldt, 24, who photographed the fish, first thought it was a homeless bearded man, but now thinks it is Jesus and that it is interesting with Easter coming up. Wouldn’t it be great if it swam again on Easter Sunday?
I nearly missed the appearance of Jesus on an Irishman’s leg earlier in the week. Martin Carroll from County Laois and now studying teaching in Marino, Dublin got a bang on the leg during a game of hurling. The clash left a bruise featuring the face of Jesus, just in time for Paddy’s Day. Sure where better to spend it? See it on YouTube. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day wherever you are.
What could me more religious at Christmas than visiting the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where it is alleged Jesus Christ was born? Well perhaps you should avoid it. The church is jointly controlled by a number of competing religions and disputes often erupt between them over territorial claims. This year the Armenian Orthodox and Greek Orthodox clergyman had a full on brawl over who was supposed to clean which part of the church. They ended up screaming and hitting each other with broomsticks. The Palestinian security forces had to be called in to break up the riot. See the video on YouTube.
Meanwhile over near Reno, Jesus spoke to Justin Bennett through his heart and directed his rampage of arson, vandalism and shooting this Christmas. He targeted the police, a post office, four motels, strip clubs and various vehicles, shooting into them and burning down the unoccupied post office. He says
People should be home with their families at Christmas and at church, not at the strip clubs.
He has been charged with discharging a firearm into a building, arson and burglary.
Over near London, Santa Claus left an image of Jesus in the sock of Sarah Crane’s laundry. Who said they couldn’t work together? When Sarah started making a shrine to the sock, some of the creases fell out and the image could not be seen so clearly, but you can still make out the face. Unfortunately, she thinks it is no longer good enough to donate to her local church. She thinks it’s a sign, but for what she does not know. That reminds me, I must get rid of my holy socks.
How often have you seen reports of images of Jesus appearing on various foodstuffs and wished you could see it for yourself? Well now you can. The Daily Bread Company and Burnt Impressions LLC are selling Jesus toasters that are guaranteed to make the face of Jesus appear on your toast every day. If you are Catholic, you can also get the Virgin Mary toaster, perhaps in a nice shade of blue. For Christmas they have a Nativity Toaster that does both Jesus and Mary. Don’t worry, non Christians are covered too, they also have the Star of David, Crescent Moon and Ganesh. Atheists can select the Obama toaster to represent them after he failed to thank God in his Thanksgiving Day speech. There are lots of others like a marijuana leaf, a peace sign and a maple leaf. The Jesus toaster is the most popular with sales of between 50 and 100 per day, which if true, should be generating a turnover of around $1 Million per annum. So hot, they could melt butter. I’m in the wrong business. What a nice present for Christmas. Buy 2 Jesus toasters and get a free Virgin Mary. See the custom page on the website to see the entire range or just get a Jesus toaster at jesustoasters.com. I wonder if it has an extra cheesy setting.
Following His recent vacation in Ireland, Jesus has made a brief appearance at Longford Health Centre, Coventry, seemingly in support of Darwin’s theory of evolution. After receiving treatment, Martin Cotterill, 46, removed a blue paper towel which had been placed on his foot to dry it. He was stunned to see an image of Jesus staring back at him from the towel. The nurse too saw the image and immediately recognised Jesus. Luckily photographs were taken, as the image faded as the towel dried out. There goes ebay merchandising! However, as Mr. Cotterill continued to examine photographs of the image (posted on Facebook) he was more convinced it looked more like someone from planet of the apes, or Homer Simpson. What does it all mean? Maybe Jesus is telling us Darwin is right, or that we will eventually evolve into more ape-like beings.
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return to the trees, out of which thou wast taken: for monkey thou art, and into monkey thou shalt return”.