Well of all the trials and tribulations you have on your way to be crucified, who would have thought that getting your crucifix stuck while travelling on the escalator would be one of them?
Hailey, aged 19, is so convinced she is the latest immaculate conception, she went on the Dr Phil show to prove it. Unfortunately, when Doctor Stork (I kid you not) examined the scan, the main concern was the lack of a foetus. When Hailey was confronted with the evidence, or lack of evidence, she said “You can’t lie to Jesus.”
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It all started when the head of Jesus was stolen from a statue outside a church in Canada. One of the congregation kindly supplied a temporary replacement head. Unfortunately, the clay replacement looked more like a demonic version of Maggie from the Simpsons. Before the elements had time to destroy the clay head, it was removed, leaving the baby Jesus headless again. The original head was then returned by the teenager who had stolen it. However, it looks like the statue will remain headless for some time. It is better to fit the head in warmer weather and they are worried about it being vandalized again. It looks like the baby Jesus will remain headless until next summer.
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Fed up with foodstuff appearances, Jesus has graced the door of a toilet in IKEA, Glasgow, with his image. It was spotted by Dave Simons during a visit. He snapped the image and shared it with his friends. However, as reported in the Daily Mail, some of his friends thinks it looks more like the tree people in Lord of the Rings, than Jesus.
A district court in Israel has ruled that the documentary “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”, aired in 2007, was not fraudulent. The documentary claimed that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had children with her, some of whom were buried with Jesus in Jerusalem. A critic, Joe Zias, claimed the findings were not properly grounded and caused the film maker, Simcha Jacobovici, serious financial harm. Zias was sued for defamation, resulting in this verdict awarding the film maker over €192,000 in damages. As reported in the Jerusalem Post, the Judge did not rule that the facts in the documentary were true, only that they were based on research and were not fraudulent. So is it true that Jesus settled down with a wife and kids? I really don’t care.
Kristi Rhimes in Oklahoma, who claims to be married to Jesus Christ, was stood up last Friday after having food and drinks at the El Chico restaurant in Lawton. She claimed her husband, Jesus Christ a famous religious leader, would be along to pay the bill. When Jesus failed to show up (as usual), and Kristi had no other method of paying the bill, she was arrested for fraud. Strangely enough the next day in Louisville, Kentucky, just 800 miles away, a man claiming to be Jesus Christ was arrested for assaulting a woman in her eighties. The old woman was dragging herself across the street on her hands and knees, when Jesus, also named Calvotte Brooks, clearly saw she was the devil in disguise and threw a glass plate at her head. With her right cheek bleeding and bruised, she was visibly shaken and unable to give her name to the police. The police, failing to recognise that this was in fact Satan in disguise, arrested Calvotte and charged him with assault. In court on Monday, during a heated exchange with the Judge, Calvotte revealed that he is in fact head of Homeland Security. In light of this the judge upgraded the charge to attempted murder and set bail at half a million dollars. Both Jesus (Calvotte) and his wife (Kristi) remain in custody.
I was beginning to think Jesus had given up appearing on foodstuffs, but low and behold on Good Friday, He appeared on a pancake in the Cowgirl Cafe, in Norco. So why a pancake? And why on Good Friday, traditionally a day of fasting? Is it a sign? The owner of the cafe, Karen Hendrickson, said she felt it was a sign for her, after praying the night before for God to continue watching over the Cowgirl Cafe. Well He did the job. After Karen photographed the pancake, posted it on Facebook and contacted a local TV station, sales jumped and new customers were anxious to see photos of the “Jesus pancake”. The actual pancake has been put in the freezer for safe keeping. Some people on Facebook thinks it looks more like Charles Manson and a customer of the Cafe said it looks more like Abraham Lincoln. Well, seeing as nobody really knows what Jesus looked like, it’s all a bit mad, but sales in the cafe have picked up and people are smiling.
A statue of Jesus the Homeless was installed recently at Saint Albion’s Episcopal Church in North Carolina, depicting Jesus as a homeless vagrant sleeping on a park bench. One of the first people to see it as she drove past called the police, thinking it was a real person. The features of the statue are shrouded, expect for the feet which show the marks made by the crucifixion. The creator of the piece, Canadian sculptor Timothy Schmalz, offered first casts to cathedrals in Toronto (St. Michael’s) and New York (St. Patrick’s), but both declined. The University of Toronto has one installed outside the Jesuit School of Theology. Last November Schmalz presented a miniature version to Pope Francis in Rome, who touched the knee of the sculpture, closed his eyes and prayed. If the City of Rome approve the installation, one will be placed on the Via della Conziliazione, leading to St. Peter’s Basilica. If you suddenly find someone sleeping on a bench outside your church, for the love of Jesus, don’t go calling the cops.
I keep telling people that if there is a God, He certainly doesn’t want us to worship Him. Remember the first commandment, Do not Worship. Back in 2010 that Jesus statue was smote down. Excessive worship seems to be making God a little irate of late. Last month as services started in Quincy, God unleashed a lightning bolt at the church and knocked the top off the steeple. The service was abandoned for fears that further debris may fall through the roof. Undeterred by this millions of people continued to attend churches, so God sent forth a second lightning bolt, this time destroying the Tudor church of St George in Lincolnshire. This time the damage was so severe that the Churches Conservation Trust doubt that it can be restored. Stay out of churches lest ye anger the Lord. Mark Driscoll, a Seattle based pastor, published an article this week saying “Jesus is not a pansy or a pacifist”, “He is saddling up on a white horse and coming to slaughter his enemies” and “Blood will flow.” Understandably, a lot of people who preach quite the opposite reacted noisily on Twitter. It’s a war zone out there. Keep your head low and use our online services to stay safely away from churches.
Following an embarrassing interview on Fox News with Reza Aslan, author of “Zealot: The Life and Time of Jesus of Nazareth”, his book has shot to number one in the Amazon Book charts. The book describes Jesus as a zealot Jewish preacher who started a revolutionary movement that was so threatening that he was captured, tortured and executed as a state criminal. Looking beyond the myths and examining historical documents he describes Jesus as a man of conviction rife with contradiction. He preaches peace, but tells his followers to carry swords. He urges his disciples to keep his identity secret and promises to liberate them from Roman rule. The book also examines why the early Christian church portrayed Jesus as a peaceful teacher rather than a revolutionary.
In the interview, Ms Green asks “You’re a Muslim, so why did you write a book about the founder of Christianity?”
Surprised Mr Aslan answers “I am a scholar of religions with four degrees, including one in the New Testament, and fluency in biblical Greek, who has been studying the origins of Christianity for two decades, who also just happens to be a Muslim. It’s not that I’m just some Muslim writing about Jesus, I am an expert with a PhD in the history of religions.”
Buzzfeed posted the interview under the title “Is this the most embarrassing interview for Fox News ever?” and it went viral with about 4.5 million views.
Later a delighted Mr Aslan told the New York Times, “I’ll be perfectly honest — I’m thrilled at the response that people have had to the interview, you can’t buy this kind of publicity.”