You can’t get to a church right now? Well we have answered your prayers. Our Church of Apathy App is a virtual church for your iPhone, iPad, or Android smartphone. From naming ceremonies for your baby to funerals for departed friends, the Church of Apathy App has a full range of services for those times when you can’t make it to a real church (or don’t want to).
The Church of Apathy app is ideal for those times when you can’t attend a ceremony in a real church. If you don’t want to spend a dollar on the full App, download the free version and confess your sins or see what you are missing on YouTube.
- Naming Ceremony – Name your children and welcome them into the church.
- Confession – Don’t bear the guilt longer than necessary. Find a quiet spot and make that confession straight away.
- Service – Can’t make it to church for a mass or service? Attend a short service at the Church of Apathy instead.
- Partnership – Want to take your relationship to the next level, but are not quite ready for the whole legal aspect? We have the answer.
- Funeral – You can’t make it to the real funeral? No problem. Hold your own remembrance with our funeral service.
I keep telling people that if there is a God, He certainly doesn’t want us to worship Him. Remember the first commandment, Do not Worship. Back in 2010 that Jesus statue was smote down. Excessive worship seems to be making God a little irate of late. Last month as services started in Quincy, God unleashed a lightning bolt at the church and knocked the top off the steeple. The service was abandoned for fears that further debris may fall through the roof. Undeterred by this millions of people continued to attend churches, so God sent forth a second lightning bolt, this time destroying the Tudor church of St George in Lincolnshire. This time the damage was so severe that the Churches Conservation Trust doubt that it can be restored. Stay out of churches lest ye anger the Lord. Mark Driscoll, a Seattle based pastor, published an article this week saying “Jesus is not a pansy or a pacifist”, “He is saddling up on a white horse and coming to slaughter his enemies” and “Blood will flow.” Understandably, a lot of people who preach quite the opposite reacted noisily on Twitter. It’s a war zone out there. Keep your head low and use our online services to stay safely away from churches.
At last the Gods of file sharing have had their religion officially recognised. The Church of Kopimism, has been registered as an official religion by Kammarkollegiet, a Swedish governmental agency, making Sweden the first country to recognise the religion. Their roots are in file copying and the belief that everything should be free. As it states on the church website, in this religion, information is holy and copying it is a sacrament. Information holds a value and the value multiplies through copying. They reckon that having the religion recognised will help end their religious persecution, when people try to prevent them carrying out the holy sacrament of file copying. If you feel a calling to worship information, they organise kopyactings, religious services where information is copied and remixed. Currently the group have a few thousand followers, but this is likely to grow following the news of their official recognition. Go forth and Multiply, Copy and Seed.
Apple approved an app last month, created by Exodus International, to help people troubled by their gay tendencies to cure themselves. The pro-Christian group promotes an “ex-gay” movement, encouraging freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus. Understandably, some gay individuals were a little bit disappointed that Apple let this app through. Usually they are very strict controlling inappropriate content. A petition to get Apple to withdraw the app was started on change.org and after 140,000 signatures, Apple appear to have removed the app.
Well only days after the iPhone confession app got the approval of a bishop in Fort Wayne, Indiana, in the form of an imprimatur, Fr Federico Lombardi, the Vatican spokesman, has criticized the app. The Catholic Church says that the sacrament requires a personal dialogue in order for absolution to be given. I guess the Catholic God doesn’t know what you are thinking unless a priest can interpret.
Following the example of the Church of Apathy, the Catholic Church, in the US at least, has approved confessions online. In particular, they approve of an iPhone confession app, which was designed with the aid of some priests. The app is available for sale on iTunes at $1.99, plus there is a charge for each confession you make using it. It brings users step by step through the confession and allows them to keep track of their sins. It was number 5 in Canada in the top paid lifestyle apps, just ahead of iKamasutra. If you want to save some money, head on over to the Church Of Apathy, or Church of Apathy Services on Facebook and confess for free? The Facebook service can even post a certificate of forgiveness on your wall.
UPDATE: See the post where the Vatican withdrew support for the app.
UPDATE 2: See our very own Church of Apathy App a church in your pocket.