Because religion should not matter (too much)

Word of God

God helps suspected thief escape from prison

While Adan Orduno was being held in jail awaiting trial for robbing a jewelry store and attempted murder, he heard God telling him to escape. God also told him how to escape. He gathered enough milk cartons to place under a blanket in the shape of a man, then climbed through a false ceiling and made his way over a barbed wire fence to the outside. It seems that a number of cameras at the prison were out of order. After escaping Adan went to his mother’s house to get some regular clothes, but didn’t mention that he had escaped. She presumed he was out on bail and hugged him and cried a lot. Officers found out he was missing early the next morning and he was later rearrested. He told officers he had been on a spiritual journey and that God had told him to escape. He also said if he had a gun he would have pointed it at the officers to commit “suicide by cop”. So why did God help this suspected felon? Perhaps his mother really needed a hug. She says he’s a good kid.

Kai uses his axe to stop Jesus hurting people

Kai, a homeless guy hitchhiking, took a lift from a big guy driving a black car. After a while the driver says, “Hey I’m Jesus I can do f***ing anything.” He then drives the car straight into a black worker standing by his truck at the side of the road, knocking him down. He then jumps out of the car and tries moving the victim. When a woman tried to stop him, he turned on her saying he was Jesus and he was going to save everyone from the n**gers and clasped her in a bear hug. His passenger Kai, grabbed an axe from the car and saved the woman by hitting Jesus three times, Smash, Smash, SMASH! You really have to watch the YouTube video to hear him tell the story. Thankfully everyone’s injuries were non-life threatening and Kai is a hero.

Mother guilty of killing 7 year old for failing to learn Quran

Yaseen and SaraSarah Ege a 33 year old mother in Wales has been sentenced to Life this week after beating her 7 year old son to death because he failed to memorise a section of the Quran. Her son, Yaseen, was enrolled in a program in the mosque to memorise some of the Quran and was facing an exam when the incident occurred in July 2010. He had been repeatedly beaten with a stick over a three month period and finally collapsed before his mother after receiving abdominal injuries. After the death, his body was burned and a room set on fire in an attempt to cover up the crime. Sarah later confessed saying she heard voices from the devil, but later withdrew the confession saying her husband and his family made her do it. Her husband was cleared of failing to prevent the death last December. Sarah will serve a minimum of 17 years, minus the 2.5 years she has already spent in secure psychiatric units since her arrest.

God tells football player to start fire

Spokane FireThursday morning at 5:30am, near Spokane, WA, Kevin Marcus Ellison, a professional football player with Shock Spokane, had to jump from his upper story apartment window to escape a fire. His teammate Chris Tucker who shares the apartment was awakened by a smoke detector and also escaped unharmed. Luckily the blaze was spotted by passing fire-fighters who requested backup and extinguished the fire. On examination of the scene fire-fighters ruled out accidental causes and at the hospital, where Ellison was being treated for smoke inhalation, he told a Fire Marshal that God had told him to set the bed on fire with a marijuana blunt. Damage is estimated at $50,000 and Ellison has been arrested for arson.

Killer claiming to be Jesus judged insane

Police at the sceneA man claiming to be the Lord’s Warrior, who beat a man to death with a fence post two years ago, has been found not guilty due to metal illness in Canada. Kevin Larry Michalchuk was staying with a friend at the time and after saying he was Jesus and emptying the contents of his friend’s fridge onto the driveway was asked to leave. His friend called a neighbour, Peppino Bassani, to let him know what was happening and also notified the police. Bassani did not wait for the police, but went out to check his horses and found that Michalchuk had released them from their coral. Michalchuk believed Bassani was a child molester and animal abuser, so presumably in his mind he was saving the horses. A quarrel ensued and Michalchuk hit Bassani with a broken fence post. He fell to the ground and Michalchuk continued hitting him until he stopped moving and then hid the body under some straw. When the police arrived he was wearing a balaclava and carrying a pail and a rope. He yelled that he was the son of God at police and said “I am Jesus. I am the decider. You do not decide.” Two hours after he was taken away, Bassani’s daughter found the body near some grazing horses. After admitting the killing, Michalchuk told police that Bassani had taken the Lord’s name in vain, which had angered him. “God had chosen him to die”, he told police. He also claimed that Bassani said he was Santa Clause and would climb down chimneys, steal kids and eat them. He added that the horses were happier now that Bassani was dead. It looks like Michalchuk will be confined to Alberta Hospital for a long time.

God tells brother and sister to kill their parents

Mathew, Nicolette and HardusHave you been following the fascinating trial of the Lotter family in South Africa? It seems that the daughter, Nicolette, thought she was possessed by a tokoloshe (Zulu demon) that raped her every night. Along came a boyfriend, Mathew Naidoo, claiming to be the third son of God. He had sex with her and banished the demon. God then spoke to Nicolette and her brother Hardus, through Mathew, telling them to steal money from their parents. He then told them that God wanted their parents dead. Hardus, after persuasion from his sibling and a punching from Mathew, eventually agreed to help kill his parents. They planned to use a stun gun to knock them out and then inject air into their veins to induce a heart attack. However, it all went wrong. Hardus ended up strangling his father with an electric cable. He hit his mother with his fists and sat on her for about 15 minutes while his sister went to get a knife. When Nicolette came back she repeatedly stabbed her mother until she was dead, telling her it was God’s will. God then told them to clean the carpet and computer so they wouldn’t be caught. In a final twist Nicolette and her boyfriend Mathew tried to get Hardus to commit suicide, which would have left the couple free to collect the inheritance. However, the two siblings survived and they and Mathew are now all charged with the double murder of the Lotter parents. I’ll say it again. Don’t list to crazy Gods.

Obama quotes the Bible to justify collecting tax

Air Force EmblemFirst President Obama didn’t thank God in his Thanksgiving day address, then he upset Catholic employers by forcing them to make contraception available to their employees, now he is quoting the bible to get Americans to pay more tax. It seems to be so easy to upset religious feelings in the United States. At a recent prayer breakfast, attended by about 3,000 people, Obama said that he was extraordinarily blessed and it was only right that he should give up some of the tax breaks that he enjoys. He said that is coincided with Jesus’ teaching that “for unto whom much is given, much shall be required”. So there you have it. Jesus agrees that the wealthy should pay more tax. Perhaps it’s so that the US military can do more of God’s work. The US Air Force Rapid Capabilities Office had the Latin slogan “Opus Dei Cum Pecunia Alienum Efficemus” on their emblem, which I’m told means “Doing God’s Work with Other People’s Money”. However the Military Association of Atheists and Freethinkers objected to the reference to God and the slogan was changed to “Working Miracles with Other People’s Money”. Now a republican group of 35 lawmakers is fighting to have the slogan restored. No doubt all the legal battling will consume more of those tax dollars that Jesus needs the government to collect.

Christmas makes religious people crazy

What could me more religious at Christmas than visiting the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where it is alleged Jesus Christ was born? Well perhaps you should avoid it. The church is jointly controlled by a number of competing religions and disputes often erupt between them over territorial claims. This year the Armenian Orthodox and Greek Orthodox clergyman had a full on brawl over who was supposed to clean which part of the church. They ended up screaming and hitting each other with broomsticks. The Palestinian security forces had to be called in to break up the riot.  See the video on YouTube.

Meanwhile over near Reno, Jesus spoke to Justin Bennett through his heart and directed his rampage of arson, vandalism and shooting this Christmas. He targeted the police, a post office, four motels, strip clubs and various vehicles, shooting into them and burning down the unoccupied post office. He says

People should be home with their families at Christmas and at church, not at the strip clubs.

He has been charged with discharging a firearm into a building, arson and burglary.

Over near London, Santa Claus left an image of Jesus in the sock of Sarah Crane’s laundry. Who said they couldn’t work together?  When Sarah started making a shrine to the sock, some of the creases fell out and the image could not be seen so clearly, but you can still make out the face. Unfortunately, she thinks it is no longer good enough to donate to her local church. She thinks it’s a sign, but for what she does not know.  That reminds me, I must get rid of my holy socks.

God Publishes The Last Testament

The Last Testament‘Tis the season to be offended. It seems God decided to publish another testament and choose the unlikely route of getting a comedy writer to transcribe it. David Javerbaum, former writer and producer of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” has written the book “The Last Testament, A Memoir by God” as a message from God, transcribed by himself. Other books by the same author are listed as the Old Testament, the New Testament and the Koran. In the book, God describes Himself as “Maker of Little Green Apples; Rester of Merry Gentlemen; and Sole Knower of the Beach Boys.” The book is likely to offend people of all faiths by taking a light-hearted look at religion.  Included is a message to those who are too noisy in the bedroom, “Stop shouting my name.”  Verily, thou must checketh it out.

Man on mission from God fails to kill Obama

Ortega-HernandezFollowing a shooting attack on the White House last Friday, police have arrested 21 year old Ortega-Hernandez in connection with the incident. It seems that he believed that he was Jesus, on a mission from God to rid the world of the Anti-Christ, Barrack Obama. He is accused of firing nine rounds from what is believed to be an AK-47, equipped with a scope, from a car into the white house. One of the bullets managed to crack a pane of glass in the family living quarters, but it was stopped by the bullet proof glass. Yes, God in His wisdom didn’t mention the bullet proof glass when delivering the mission details. Neither did He mention that President Obama would be travelling to Hawaii at the time of the attack. Oh God, You are such a joker. If Ortega is convicted of attempting to assassinate the president or his staff, he could face up to life in prison. Surely the guy’s sanity is questionable.

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